Understanding and Building Emotional Intelligence (EQ)

“The more often he feels without acting, the less he will be able ever to act, and, in the long run, the less he will be able to feel.” - CS Lewis.

“Crying is awkward - it’s not like me. Give me a problem that I can solve and then I won’t need to cry.” If this sentiment sounds like you, you are not alone. My bet would be that you are probably a smart person when it comes to logic and reason (IQ) but that you might get a little overwhelmed when it comes to emotions. Intelligence tests like the Stanford-Binet have historically been used to measure a certain type of intelligence (and justify some harmful stereotypes 1). However, IQ does not encompass emotional or social awareness - areas where EQ shines. The idea of EQ has been around for a while in the U.S. - as early as the 1930s 2. It reflects one's ability to recognize, understand, and manage emotions 3. Societies emphasizing reasoning (especially western, educated, capitalist ones) tend to undervalue EQ, yet it plays a vital role in building meaningful relationships and forming our sense of identity.

Why EQ Matters 

EQ supports success in so many areas of life. It is critical for forming meaningful relationships, achieving job satisfaction, and fostering empathy. Surprisingly, IQ contributes fairly little to job performance (4-25%) 4, whereas EQ is essential for leadership and connection (including in emotionally tough spaces like the military) 5. Most importantly, emotionally-focused research, conducted by Dr. Sue Johnson, reveals that strong emotional intelligence enhances bonds with others, allowing for deeper relational connections 6.

Building EQ 

Improving EQ starts with self-compassion and patience, particularly for those raised in environments discouraging emotional expression. When you factor in patriarchal norms 7, our society’s general tendency to favor IQ over EQ 8, and abusive and neglectful upbringings, it is easy to see that many of us have been distanced from our emotions. Give yourself compassion and patience if your EQ is not where you want it to be, while also taking responsibility to improve it. If you are reading this then you have already started to take responsibility!

The following is a list of ideas that you can try in order to improve your EQ, regardless of where you are currently at in your EQ journey. Some of these ideas may resonate with you more than others and that is okay. Start with what feels challenging but manageable. EQ develops best in a safe environment, so do not push yourself too hard. In this case, it is better to channel the tortoise than the hare.

1. Mindfulness of Emotions

   • Practice self-awareness by slowing down and mindfully observing emotions

   • Use tools like a feelings wheel to identify emotions

   • Use expressive mediums like art or journaling to stay with and communicate an emotion

   • Try a guided meditation like this one (for noticing emotions) or this one (for accepting them)

2. Understanding Others’ Emotions

   • Engage with emotionally charged art and media, mindfully noticing emotions

   • Engage in safe conversations with others, expressing curiosity about their emotions

   • Read fiction

3. Expressing Emotions Accurately

   • Practice self-soothing techniques in the face of uncomfortable emotions

   • Risk communicating your feelings openly to safe people

   • If unsure, individual or relationship therapy can support emotional expression

4. Emotional Knowledge

   • Label emotions clearly (e.g., "I feel sad" rather than "I feel like you ignored me")

   • Practice identifying layered or blended emotions, using "and" instead of "but" to reconcile mixed feelings

   • Look up emotions to learn more about their functions and underlying needs

   • Take an EQ assessment (use it as an opportunity to be curious, not to diagnose!).

   • Read some books about emotions, such as Hold Me Tight for co-regulation, The Will To Change for men, and Rising Strong for vulnerability

5. Reflective Emotion Regulation

   • Observe your typical patterns of coping with big feelings (do you shut down, laugh, distract?)

   • Make a plan for how you’d like to respond next time you feel the urge to use those old coping strategies

6. Improve your thinking and decision making

   • Balance logic and emotion in decisions, recognizing that intuitive, emotion-based choices can be just as valid as rational, analytical choices. In the words of Greta Gerwig’s Lawyer Barbie: “This makes me emotional, and I’m expressing it. I have no difficulty holding both logic and feeling at the same time. And it does not diminish my powers. It expands them.”

Developing EQ is a gradual process that enriches personal growth, relationships, and empathy, allowing individuals to live fuller and more balanced lives. It is not uncommon for someone to realize that they do not have many people in their life with whom they feel safe exploring their emotional world. If this is you, you are not alone. Reach out to an emotionally-focused therapist today to learn more about how you can improve your EQ. Improved sense of self and more meaningful relationships await.

Citations

1. Brigham, C. C. (1922). A study of American intelligence. Princeton: Princeton University Press; London: Oxford University Press, c1922, tp 1923.

2. Thorndike, R. L., & Stein, S. (1937). An evaluation of the attempts to measure social intelligence. Psychological Bulletin, 34, 275-284. 

3. Salovey, P., & Mayer, J. (1990). Emotional intelligence. Imagination, cognition, and personality, 9(3), 185-211. 

4. Sternberg, R. (1996). Successful intelligence. New York: Simon & Schuster.

5. Bachman, W. (1988). Nice guys finish first: A SYMLOG analysis of U.S. Naval commands. In e. a. R. B. Polley (Ed.), The SYMLOG practitioner: Applications of small group research . New York: Praeger. 

6. Johnson, S. M. (2018). Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples, and families. Guilford Publications.

7. Gupta, M., Madabushi, J. S., & Gupta, N. (2023). Critical Overview of Patriarchy, Its Interferences With Psychological Development, and Risks for Mental Health. Cureus, 15(6), e40216. https://doi.org/10.7759/cureus.40216

8. Henrich, J., Heine, S. J., & Norenzayan, A. (2010). The weirdest people in the world?. Behavioral and brain sciences, 33(2-3), 61-83.